Have You Ever Been the Victim of Communication Anxiety? It's a Common But Manageable Problem

Have you ever felt communication anxiousness? You know, that feel you get while you feeling all tongue tied as you don't know what to say in a peculiar situation. It shows up differently for a different people. Some feel humiliated, some feel hot, some say it feels like they are suffocating, some get sweaty palms and some just feel like they are going to die. An extreme form of communication anxiety is road rage. This abusive behavior can be very destructive indeed. It happens in all kinds of situations. The most common are the job interview, the first date, a trip to the principal's office, or when you find yourself needing to do some public speaking. Public speaking can be the hardest one of all.
I refer to this wellness category as INTERPERSONAL WELLNESS - OUR COMMUNICATION. It's a pretty big category because there really aren't that many situations, in which, people don't have to communicate with one another. Interpersonal wellness or lack of it comes in all shapes and sizes. For some, it means they can't find the words and for others, it means they find too many words but they really don't have much to say. These people monopolize conversations and really don't say too much. There is a term for this form of communication anxiety - cocktail party syndrome. I am sure you have had the misfortune of meeting someone like this in your lifetime.
The pendulum swings far in both directions. In one corner, we have cocktail party syndrome and in the other corner, we have the quiet, shy mouse that never gets his needs met because he can never find the words. All along the way, there are many variations on the theme and many degrees of communication anxiety. Where do you fit? Would you say that you have achieved interpersonal wellness in your life? Have you ever even thought about it?
Marketing guru, Faith Popcorn wrote a book a few years back called the Popcorn Report. In this book, she identified several consumer-buying trends that are shaping our world. The most important trend she talked about was "Cocooning", which is the need that people have, to stay in their homes as much as possible. This trend has brought about the success of many industries including, Internet-based social networking such as Twitter, MySpace and Facebook; the computer-based gaming industry; online shopping, distance education; and of course, our old friend, television.
The more afraid people become to leave their homes and go out into the big, bad, dangerous world, the more problems that occur in the realm of interpersonal wellness. The farther people retreat into their comfort zones, the more communication anxiety they feel when they step out of it.
Lack of interpersonal wellness has affected more areas of life than you might think. Because they spend so little time interacting with adults, children are growing up not knowing how to communicate with adults and as a result, they are thought of as disrespectful or rude. Young people going out into the world for their first jobs are having a terrible time because they lack basic self-management skills such as the ability to communicate effectively. No matter the age group or the situation, communication anxiety is gaining ground and interpersonal wellness is losing ground.
The biggest impact of this trend is an increase in stress levels in peoples' lives. Extreme ongoing life stress, particularly the bad kind (distress), leads to the build up of oxidative stress in the body, also known as free-radical damage. This oxidative stress is a key factor in the formation of one or more chronic degenerative diseases, such as asthma or diabetes or arthritis. These chronic degenerative diseases, of which there are more than 70 known versions, steal quality of life and lead to death. The vicious cycle is so unnecessary.
How can we return to a state of interpersonal wellness, individually and as a society; and eliminate or reduce communication anxiety? How can we reduce stress caused by our inability to communicate effectively with others? Solving any wellness challenge is simply a matter of learning some critical thinking and problem solving skills. First, we all need to learn more about our own style of communicating. We live in a world of blame and we look for scapegoats at all cost. It's time to take responsibility for ourselves. Are you aggressive, passive aggressive or controlling? Are you lazy, arrogant, or miserable? None of these is a problem unless we don't take responsibility for them. None of these styles is bad in small doses, either, but if your communication style is consistently one of these models, then it's time to look at learning a new way to communicate.
It's time to get that chip off your shoulder. Your neighbour did not create your lousy childhood memories; your children are not responsible for your failed hopes and dreams; and your coworkers are not responsible for your bad attitude and lousy marks while you were in school. So stop taking out your past on the people around you. Instead, look to the future and build a new style. Interpersonal wellness is a choice, just as living with communication anxiety is a choice. Achieving and maintaining interpersonal wellness is simply a matter of learning a few new skills. Once you do, you will see that you do have the power to take back control of your health and your life. After all, we are all accountable, are we not?

Keeping the I in We

I've always been a believer that a effective relationship can raise ones' life, nevertheless it is easy to drop off yourself when focusing mainly on the needs of your partner. As women we tend to be the nurturers, the supporting force behind our mates and as we begin to identify more and more with the wants and needs of our significant other, we may push our own wants and needs aside. Our preferences, our pleasures and the things we once loved may have been modified in our ability to please and pacify our loved one. We may have given up a part of ourselves, as a sacrifice to the alter of love, and we may feel that by doing so we are investing in our future, when in reality we are investing in our mate's future.
In relinquishing the very things that bring us joy, simply to placate the one we love, we are saying that our wants and needs are not as important as our mate's wants and needs. Once we have done this we are no longer living our lives for ourselves but for someone else. Love need not require the sacrifice of oneself for the love of another. When we give up our own identity and cling to the identity of another we lose ourselves in that person and we become defined by them. Eventually resentment seeps in and we may become martyrs reminding ourselves and our loved one what we gave up for them. If the relationship fails we find ourselves filled with regret and bitterness and may have difficulty recapturing the part of ourselves that we had so easily relinquished.
We can avoid these pitfalls if we remain true to ourselves in our relationships. We can accomplish this by letting our partner know that we want to share the things that give us pleasure and that our interests, hobbies etc. are an important part of our life that we want to share. If our partner is not interested in sharing these things we should respect that choice but explain that we are choosing to keep the things that we love in our life because they bring us pleasure. If our partner cannot accept this, that is an indication that he feels our needs are not as important as his and we may ultimately decide to give in just to keep the peace. If we do decide to let go of the things that bring us joy and if we are perfectly content living our life in the shadow of another, we should ask ourselves who will we be if we turn around one day and notice the shadows no longer there. We may not always be, but I is forever.